Until I Fade Page 8

  Once he was done with placing the body in the back of the Escalade, Jensen turned to Liam and helped take the bloody clothes off and they both got into the shower. Liam kissed him and they made out a little but neither of them could go any further. The weight of the dead person was just too much. So they got out of the bathroom and Liam handed Jensen a change of clothing. Jensen wore the jeans that were a little too tight in the crotch and a shirt that must have been loose on Liam but looked strange on him, though this wasn’t the time to be picky.

  They headed out.

  Suddenly, Liam stopped.

  “What’s wrong?” Jensen asked, concerned.

  Liam looked up at the sky.

  He held out his arms in the air and closed his eyes.

  “Liam?”

  That’s when Jensen saw it.

  A tiny fleck of white sitting on Liam’s upturned palm.

  And then there were more flakes, larger, and before they knew it the whole world was being filled slowly with snow.

  Jensen couldn’t believe what he was seeing. “There was nothing on the weather reports about snow!”

  “It’s not snow,” Liam said, smiling. “It’s a blizzard.”

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  Jensen turned off the blizzard warnings. “How’d you know it was going to be a blizzard?”

  “I didn’t.”

  “But you said it was a blizzard even though there was nothing in the news about it when I left the house this morning!”

  “You know about Chaos Theory?”

  “Yeah. Vaguely. What’s that got to do with it?”

  Liam was still smiling. “I’ll explain it sometime.”

  “You stabbed Austin. How’d you do it?” Jensen asked. “He’s a big guy. How’d you manage to—”

  “I drugged him. I used my coke to spike his drink.”

  Liam didn’t offer anything more so Jensen left it at that. He saw that Kent’s car was there which meant he must be home. After going through the day’s ordeal he wasn’t looking forward to the interrogation from Kent that he and Liam were clearly in for. Kent said he had visions about Jensen. Did that mean he saw what Liam had done? What Jensen had done to save Liam?

  When they went upstairs, Kent was on the couch in front of the TV watching the news. “They’re saying the weather conditions might get rougher,” Kent said. “You two need to stay in until it clears up.”

  “Kent,” Jensen said. “This is Liam.”

  “I know,” Kent replied. “Nice to meet you, Liam.”

  “Jensen’s told me a lot about you,” Liam said.

  Kent smiled. “Good things I hope.”

  “Liam needs a place to stay,” Jensen said.

  “He’s welcome to stay here as long as he wants,” Kent said.

  “Thank you,” Liam said.

  “No need to thank me,” Kent said, turning off the television and getting up. “I know you’ve been through some serious shit today so I’m going to let you rest. We can resume our talk in the morning, Jensen. Don’t do anything stupid until then. Understand?”

  “Understood,” Jensen replied.

  They waited for Kent to leave before they headed to Jensen’s room. “How does he know we went through shit today, did you tell him?” Liam asked.

  “I don’t have to,” Jensen explained. “He just knows.”

  “Right. Because he’s your maker.”

  “Yeah,” Jensen said, opening the door to his room and turning on the light. Liam stared at the room. Jensen could understand the awe. He had felt it too, when he had first seen it.

  He went to the nightstand and lit up a candle.

  The smell of lavender permeated the room.

  Liam sat on the bed.

  He was being quiet again.

  Jensen went to sit next to him on the bed. “What’s wrong?”

  “I’m a monster,” Liam said.

  “Don’t be afraid of the dark.” Jensen intertwined his fingers with Liam’s and kissed him. They started making out and soon it was getting heavy and they were ripping off each other’s clothes, trying to give in to the pleasure. Jensen had never felt this way before and he knew he was never going to feel that way again. “Liam,” he whispered. “I love you.”

  Liam kissed him back and looked into Jensen’s eyes. “I love you, too.”

  They went back to kissing.

  Outside, the snow fell, heavy.

  It was a blizzard like the world had never seen.

  THE END

  SLAVE

  KOL ANDERSON

  I'm a slave.

  A victim to my past

  And captive to my needs

  My fucked up notions of love and life

  Pain and comfort

  Are mine

  You want control

  I need abandon

  Force me to submit

  Hurt me

  Enough to remind me I'm still living

  Really, truly, living and not just breathing

  Take me

  And leave me bare

  Touch me where no one has before

  I'm a slave and I need a master

  1

  Jesse had a broken heart.

  There was no other way to explain it, no other way to describe what it felt like, but that there were broken shards where his heart was supposed to be inside his chest. Matt, his master, the love of his life had found someone else. Why? Jesse kept asking himself. Wasn't he good enough? Hot enough, or young enough?

  For more than a year now, Jesse had been with him and now it was over and life just seemed to him like it had lost its meaning. Matt was supposed to be the one— he was already the one who had given him everything to hope for, taught him everything, and he was supposed to be the one who would always be with him.

  Is that how little I meant to him?

  What have I done wrong? Why won't you take me back?

  Jesse, the sub who was addicted to pain, was suffering. Suffering as he had never suffered before, because Matt was gone and it felt empty. Every place in the world felt empty, and he wanted to fill it with something. He wanted to feel things again, but his heart had forgotten how to do it. He needed Matt, needed him to show how special he was and that he was worth something. He needed to be in Matt's arms again, and be his ‘everything.'

  But Matt lied.

  Lied about the fact that Jesse was all he ever wanted. Lied that he loved him because how could he possibly love Jesse and still sleep around with other people? No matter how hard he tried not to think about Matt, and no matter how hard he tried to forget, it wouldn't go away.

  Matt hurt him.

  He was still hurting him, every minute of every day and there was no end to the suffering in sight. They had been together for so long, Jesse had forgotten leaving him was even a possibility. Matt was his first, the first man he had ever trusted enough to make him feel pain, but Matt broke that trust, and broke Jesse's heart along with it and it hurt. Hurt like someone was squeezing his heart in their hands, and like they kept squeezing and squeezing and wouldn't let go. No amount of crying, nothing lessened the pain, and when he was finally sick of suffering through that, Jesse put on some fresh clothes and headed outside, hoping the fresh air would help.

  But there was no fresh air.

  It didn't matter where he went, he would end up missing Matt. He couldn't do anything, couldn't even come, not without Matt making him, forcing him, coaxing it out of him. He felt helpless. Helpless and lost and he wanted to hold on to something, for support or for help he didn't know yet.

  So, he headed to the bondage club, in need of something familiar, some hope of finding someone. Hope of things going back to the way they were.

  He sat at the bar, drinking. One drink became a few but he kept going, drowning his pain in shots.

  "Hey," someone said.

  "Hi," Jesse said, turning his head in the direction of the voice to get a glimpse of the person. That face was one he recognized. Fuck, not him. Of all the peopl
e that could have hit on him, it was Noah, the ‘bad news Dom' everyone knew was a little too sadistic. Subs were often complaining about him. Not that he didn't have enough money to shut everyone up.

  "Can I buy you a drink?" Noah asked.

  He wasn't bad looking. Intimidating though. Tall and muscular, and on the heavy side.

  Could I forget Matt if I was pinned down under him?

  "No," Jesse flatly refused.

  Noah looked disappointed, but Jesse was quick to add. "But I can go up to the room with you."

  Noah stared at him.

  "I mean," Jesse said, downing the last shot. "I'm guessing that's what you wanted to ask me."

  "You know who I am?"

  "Noah, right?"

  "So, you know my deal? I like it a little rougher than most."

  How rough? Jesse wondered. "I need rough."

  Anything. Anything to forget Matt. Forget how much that hurts.

  There was a smile on Noah's face. "Come with me then," he said. "I'll show you the ropes."

  * * * *

  Noah wasn't kidding about the ropes.

  The minute Jesse stepped into the room, Noah was a different person. He knew how to take charge, which was perfect. He ordered Jesse to strip and Jesse did and set his clothes aside. Noah didn't even look at him as he led the way to the dungeon. Jesse followed him there. Followed his directions until he was on a chair and Noah was tying him up. When he was finished, Noah took a step back and admired his own handiwork. It made Jesse self-conscious but it also felt good that Noah liked what he saw.

  Liked him.

  "I love your piercings," Noah said, coming closer, his finger trailing over Jesse's nipple and flicking the silver stud. Pleasure. Good.

  "Thank you."

  Noah flicked the other piercing, and the feel of his rough fingers was nice. He tweaked a nipple, his fingertips closing in around the piercing and already it hurt. The piercing did that, made him more sensitive to both pleasure and pain. Noah put his hands over Jesse's restrained arms, bending to place his tongue over the nipple and when he did, Jesse's bound body strained against the ropes, and his cock almost jumped. When Noah stopped after a while, it was simply to move his tongue over to the other side, and Jesse was getting hard. He could tell Noah was glad to see that reaction. Noah straightened and walked over to the prop table to the bottle of whiskey, and took a swig. He placed the bottle back on the table and picked up a ball gag, walked up to Jesse's chair.

  "Open up," he said, bringing the gag next to Jesse's face.

  Fear.

  Fear and hope and just a bit of excitement—

  "Are you going to give me a safe word?"

  "Do you want to stay or leave?"

  "But I—"

  "Stay or leave, Jesse. Decide."

  I can't leave.

  I need this.

  Jesse opened his mouth, so Noah could slip in the gag. When he was done tying it behind his head, Noah went back to the table, and started searching. He came back with a Wartenberg wheel in his hand and took his time tracing the wheel over Jesse's chest, going over the left nipple, lightly at first and then he started to increase the pressure. The spikes went from being tingly under his skin to pressing on the piercing and hurting more and more. Noah rolled the wheel on to the other side, and Jesse was caught between getting turned on, and being in pain.

  "You like that?" Noah asked.

  The spikes were still rolling, moving over his nipples again, first one then the other. Noah smiled, and increased the pressure. The spikes went deeper this time and they hurt. Good. Pain is fine, he can handle it.

  But the next time Noah's hand rolled the spikes, the pressure was alarming, and Jesse felt sharp pain as the spikes dug into his skin and tears formed in his eyes. When the wheel came back, he could see the tiny spots of blood on his nipple. No drawing blood you asshole!

  He couldn't say anything, couldn't stop Noah and Noah pressed the spikes into his other nipple and this time Jesse cried, the ball gag muffling the sound, and by the time Noah lifted it from his skin he thought he was going to lose it.

  "Good boy," Noah said, rubbing his injured nipples.

  Suddenly, coming to the dungeon with Noah didn't sound like such a good idea. Jesse tried to communicate his disapproval through some muffled noises, but Noah wasn't interested. He left him there, panting and went back to the table again. He took another swig of the whiskey and came to Jesse, the bottle still in hand and stood right in front of him.

  Watching.

  He wrenched Jesse's hair in his hand, and tilted the bottle of whiskey over his chest. At first Jesse didn't understand. Not until he felt the sting of the alcohol on broken skin. Jesse struggled in his restraints, needing his body to carry the pain through, all the abrasions and cuts were burning, burning from the alcohol and he was in tears, waiting for the pain to subside when Noah poured the alcohol on the other side, and everything just became a burning stinging horror again. Noah's grasp on his hair loosened, but he still enjoyed the sight of him. He bent to place the bottle on the floor and his hand stroked Jesse's cock, making it hard.

  Oh fuck, yes. Yes yes yes please, fuck—

  Everything was a little better then. The pain was fine and fuck Noah knew how to do this, knew how to make him feel this way, and now his legs were twisted for an entirely different reason, for release—

  "You can't come yet," Noah said, trailing the wheel over Jesse's leg and tracing the bare skin, and when the wheel reached his thighs, it slowed down. When Noah moved the wheel over the exposed skin of his cock, Jesse forgot how to breathe.

  He was about to cry from the fear alone when the spikes pressed in. He stared at Noah.

  Please don't fucking do it!

  Thankfully, instead of putting more pressure, Noah moved the wheel away from his cock, ran it in along the inside of his left thigh and pressed the instrument again, the spikes drawing blood a third time and Jesse tried to accept it, tried to tell himself he could do it, that he could take this, when Noah pressed the wheel into his other thigh and he was twisting against the ropes again. Finally, Noah dropped the wheel, and picked up the bottle and before Jesse could prepare himself for the sting Noah's mouth was on Jesse's cock, licking at the tip and then he took it deeper inside and Jesse was feeling better again.

  Noah brought him as close to an orgasm as possible, and didn't stop even as his hand was pouring the alcohol, over one thigh first and then the other. Jesse was screaming, but also trying to concentrate on the feelings his cock was experiencing, all the pleasure it was giving him, pleasure fucking pleasure and Matt I'm doing this for you, coming for you because I love you, and I want you even if you don't want me back and before he knew it he was coating Noah's throat with cum. He felt Noah shaking and realized he had been jacking himself off the whole time. Jesse tried to catch his breath, tried to come back to the world as Noah finished himself off. Jesse felt his cum dripping over his leg within seconds. Composing himself, Noah got up and cupped Jesse's face in his hand. "You're perfect."

  If I'm so fucking perfect why doesn't Matt want me? If I'm so fucking perfect why did you hurt me?

  His jaw was aching when Noah undid the ball gag, and he spilled spit in volumes. Noah's hand caressed his face. "You can stay the night."

  If Matt had been the one asking, Jesse wouldn't have dreamt of leaving, but now he wanted nothing more than to get away. "I've got to go."

  "Are you sure?" Noah asked, untying him. "I don't think that's a good idea. You're hurt."

  "I'm fine," Jesse said, getting up. He felt dizzy and leaned on Noah for support.

  "At least let me drop you off wherever it is you're going."

  How could a guy who was such a dick in the bedroom, be so nice otherwise? Of course Jesse wasn't about to tell Noah it was him he needed to get away from.

  "I'm fine."

  * * * *

  He was crying when he dressed up and came outside Noah's room, because his entire capacity for courage seemed to
have been exhausted.

  He hated Noah.

  Hated him so damn much.

  "Jesse?"

  He looked up, and suddenly felt embarrassed for the tears. Fuck, not you. He used a hand to wipe them away. "Matt."

  Matt stared at him and then at the door to Noah's room. "Isn't that…did you just come out of Noah's room? Fuck, did he hurt you? Is that why you're crying?"

  "Hurting me was kind of the point."

  "Don't bullshit me," Matt snapped. "You think I don't know what goes on around here? What are you doing with him? The entire world knows he's bad news!"

  "Yeah, well maybe I needed some bad news after all the good news I've been getting lately."

  Matt fell silent. "Jesse," he said. "You're angry with me. I get that. But I'm not going to let you take it out this way."

  ‘I'm not going to let you.' At some other point in time, those words would have been all Jesse needed to stop and go back into Matt's arms. At some point in time, it would have been perfect to leave all his decisions to Matt. But not today. "What I do to myself is my business. Not yours. Not anymore."

  Jesse started walking away and he wished, wished Matt would stop him, wished Matt felt bad enough for him to let him in his life again. You're my everything, you were supposed to be mine. Why can't you love me Matt, what have I done?

  Nothing happened. Matt never stopped him, never uttered another word, so Jesse kept walking and didn't look back.

  2

  It's all about programming.

  You stay in line, you wake up at a certain time, and you sleep at a certain time and you spend a certain amount of time doing certain things and you'll be fine, or so they tell you. They tell you this is all you need to do, admire their ritualistic behaviors and educate yourself so you can be more compatible. If you break away from the norm, if you lack what they call ‘discipline' you're fucked. You're truly, terribly and utterly fucked. Because you're the anomaly. They might be the crazy ones to stay in line just because someone once told them to stay in line, but that doesn't change the fact that you're still the abnormality. And that's how they'll look at you, the one who doesn't get it, the one who breaks the rules and for that they'll punish you. They'll shove you into lockers and try to kill you in your sleep and put you behind bars, or if all else fails, in a padded cell. They want you dead or at least gone someplace they can forget about you. Because they'd rather deal with the fact that you were wrong, than realize they had been barking up the wrong tree this entire time.